The Fellowship of the Fang
by Tri-Fang Productions
Summary: LotR/VC: A humorous rehashing of Fellowship, except with your favorite vampires in the lead roles. There's something for everyone, LotR, vampire fan, or anyone who wants a good laugh!
1. The Trailer

_In the dark depths of Middle-Earth an evil is forming._

_An evil which threatens all races . . ._

_All peoples . . ._

_All vampires . . ._

_In the Shire, an unlikely hero must take up a quest_

_And return the Ring of Power_

_To the Fires from whence it came._

"This is not the time for games, Armand!"  The furious wizard's voice boomed throughout the tiny room as the candles dimmed.  Marius the Crimson looked tired and disheveled, his blond hair falling awkwardly in front of his face.  When he next spoke, his voice was hushed and his eyes were wide.  "Where is the ring?"

_With the help of a small company of friends,_

_The hobbit Armand must protect the Ring_

_And deliver it safely._

Benji laughed. "What's the matter Armand? Still a little woozy there?"

Danwise turned to his Master, a look of true concern covering his normally placid features.  "Are you alright, boss?  At least we're still alive!  I mean, it could have been a lot worse."

But Armand didn't hear him. A strange unearthly sound could be heard, mournful and terrifying, resounding from just in the distance. He turned to Danny, gripping his sleeve. "We must get off the road!"

"Go!" Sybelle screamed, and as one the four hobbits bounded off away from the direction the Shadow had fled.

_But the powers of evil are often deceptive_

_And those who may seem a friend_

_May betray . . . _

"My Lord Santino," Marius kissed the slender fingers of the White Wizard affectionately.  "I have urgent news for you concerning the dreaded Ring of Power." 

"Never be fooled by its outward appearance. That ring is more than a mere bauble, but a tool vital to the will of evil minds."

_While those who seem the enemy_

_May be capable of true valor_

_Against the greatest of threats._

The blond Ranger gripped Armand's shoulders, pushing him up against the door. "Are you afraid, little one? Are you terrified?"

"Yes!"

The man leaned in, his canine teeth glinting in the moonlight as he leered. "I should hope so."

_One Ring to Rule them all._

_One Ring to Find them._

_One Ring to Bring them all,_

_And in the Darkness bind them._

The Fellowship of the Fang 

_. . . Coming Soon to a Board Near You!_

_By Lena, Kabuki, and The Vampire Phillip_

_A Tri-Fang Production._


	2. A Long Expected Party

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is pure parody. Tri-Fang Productions do not claim ownership of Lord of the Rings or The Vampire Chronicles – these products belong to their respective authors JRR Tolkien and Anne Rice. 

Note: This story is far FAR from over and yes, we do intend to complete the entire book series. Yes, this will take a while. Yes, there will be bathroom breaks. If you stick with us, yes, we will make you laugh. *g*

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The Fellowship of the Fang

April 2003

By Lena, Kabuki, and the Vampire Phillip

Chapter I: A Long-Expected Party

            When Mr. David Talbot of Talbot Manor announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in the Shire.

            David was a very rich and peculiar type of hobbit, and had been the wonder of the Shire ever since he had returned from his great battle with the Dragon Amel, an evil force known for killing the Dwarven folk and stealing their gold nearly sixty years earlier.  The riches Mr. Talbot had brought back quickly made the resilient hobbit a local legend, and many were quite envious of not only his wealth but also his recently acquired perpetual youth.  Since his return from Lonely Mountain and his legendary battle with the Dragon, David hadn't aged a day, and many suspected it was the work of some strange foreign magic acquired during his adventures.  The notorious hobbit spent most of his time interviewing his relations that lived in the Shire, one of whom being his red-haired nephew Armand.

            A night or two before the party was to begin, a strange and dreaded visitor came to the quaint little town, and more specifically came to Talbot Manor seeking Mr. David Talbot himself.  An odd-looking wagon laden with odd-looking packages rolled up the gravel driveway that led to Tab End, driven by a lone man with a long pointy crimson velvet hat.

            Just as the wagon had entered the long driveway, a small ball of fiery red hair and fangs leapt from behind a stately oak. The horse reared, whinnying in surprise and startling the velvet-cloaked man. He jumped in his surprise, his hat falling away to reveal shimmering white-blond hair as he gently pulled on the reigns of the horse. When the beast was calmed again, the older man sighed. "Armand, you silly little Halfling. Must you be so precocious?"

            The red-headed hobbit crawled into the wagon, propping up his hairy feet as the wizard retrieved his hat, shaking the dust from the velvet. "Nice to see you too, Marius. I was wondering if you'd remember to come."

            Chuckling, the Red Wizard took up the reins again, resuming his ride into the village. "How could I forget, little one? I couldn't very well miss your Uncle David's eleventy-first birthday, could I?"

            "I suppose not."

            The wizard smiled gently. "And I dare say that missing my favorite young hobbit would have been a shame as well." Marius winked to the tiny halfling before continuing.  "You do realize, though Armand, that I returned to the Shire for several reasons."  Marius patted his side pocket with gentle affection, a strange gleam entering his eyes.  "I have brought with me the entertainment for your Uncle's birthday celebration for a finale that will be talked about for years to come.  I also have some other private business with David as well . . . but that will be revealed to you later."

            Armand leaned back in the carriage seat, pulling a few stray pieces of hay from his long red hair as he spoke. "Why can you not reveal these secrets to me now? Am I not trustworthy?" Marius had lit a match and was lighting his pipe, watching Armand from the corner of his eye as he puffed thoughtfully. The young hobbit sighed. "I've noticed Uncle David acting strangely as of late. He seems distracted and wholly unlike himself."

            The crimson wizard exhaled, sending a fleet of smoke ships into the air where they melted into the golden afternoon light. "I'm sure I've no idea what you mean, Armand, but if you like I shall question David on the matter; however time is now of the utmost importance. There is much to do before tonight's event."

            The small hobbit made an exasperated sound and kicked the carriage lightly. "Fine, keep your secrets."

Marius harrumphed indignantly before continuing. "I also have brought along a special gift for David, known as Lemmiwinks. He's a magical creature that is well known for its ability to travel through vast obstacles and also for the loyalty he displays towards his master.  I think David is in need of a pet, even though the years have been kind to him… I feel this, "eternal youth" of his cannot last forever, and hopefully this gift will be comforting to him in his old age."

            Armand grew saddened by this knowledge.  Truly he'd heard the rumors that his Uncle David had acquired his youth through some type of magic, but it had never actually occurred to him that his Uncle could grow old.  His train of thought was broken when he saw a small fuzzy head poke out of Marius' pocket.  Its black beady eyes stared at him in curiosity as its nose twitched. "It looks like an ordinary gerbil to me, Marius."

            The crimson wizard chuckled, never taking his eyes from the dirt path before him as he guided the steps of his horse. "Magical beasts have that particular quality, young Armand, which allows them to blend in with their surroundings. But you may think of little Lemmiwinks as a simple gerbil if it pleases you. Such matters are really quite trivial in the greater scheme of things."

            Armand laughed at the wizard's odd humor.  "You know, Marius, you've been labeled as a disruptor of the peace around here.  I don't think giving Uncle David a magical creature will improve your reputation."

            "Yes, perhaps," Marius added with a twinkle in his eye.  "But the day drags on, my dear Armand and I have to get to your Uncle's house before it comes dark."

            "Yes, yes, of course, my good friend!  Do say hullo to David for me."  And with that Armand hopped off the creaky wagon and waved once before racing off back into the Shire.  Marius chuckled softly to himself and took a long draught on his pipe as the wagon moved down the narrow dirt pathway to a large hill in the distance.  The time was about two o'clock, nearly teatime by Marius' standards, and he pulled his wagon aside and dropped down to the dusty walkway, pulling out his staff.  Upon the wooden fence that surrounded the large grassy hill, a makeshift sign was hung that read – I_No admittance, except on party business/I._  Marius smiled to himself and moved on through the squeaky wooden gate.  With three raps upon the circular wooden door, he waited patiently for a response.

            "No relatives, old or new, no matter how closely related you think you are!"  David's clipped British accent answered through the wooden door.  At least David claimed it was British, but Marius had never heard of such a language and simply assumed it was David's strange, quirky humor.

            "Not even old friends?" Marius responded with a smirk.  Almost immediately, the door swung open to reveal the short little hobbit.  His brown hair curled quaintly around his head and an intricately carved wooden pipe was clenched firmly in his mouth, the slim smoke rising in tiny wisps around his kind and gentle face.

            "Marius!"  He cried, and flung his arms out to wrap the crimson wizard in a tight hug.  "Marius, my good boy!  What a great surprise!  By George, I had no idea you would be by for my birthday.  Oh, come in, come in!"  With his typical brisk mannerisms, he pulled Marius in through the doorway.  Unfortunately, he had quite forgotten Marius' height doubled his own, and a dull thump shook the wooden frame as a red, pointy hat fell to the ground.

            "Ooh!" Marius cried as he put a hand to his forehead and staggered back a few steps.  David, realizing a bit too late his mistake, rushed to wrap an arm around his tall friend and quickly picked up the fallen hat.  "I shall need to affix this to my head if current events are any indication of the future," Marius mumbled to himself, and walked in through the doorway.  He heard the door close behind him and then smelled the stewing tea from the kitchen.  "Is it tea time already, my good friend?"

            But David wasn't paying attention. From his pocket he had fished a tiny glittering piece of jewelry, a trifle really, the Ring of Invisibility. Marius recognized it as the one David had found in the depths of the Misty Mountains, but something was strange. The tiny hobbit was staring at the ring enraptured, his eyes large and glistening with emotion, his mouth turned up in a crooked smile. Marius raised one blond eyebrow and approached his friend. "David?"

            David didn't respond. He lifted the ring to his lips, kissing it. "My dearest, darling, precious . . ."

            "David, what –"

            "So pretty! So beauteous!"

            Marius placed a hand on David's shoulder, but then his friend turned, shrieking, "GET AWAY!"

            Marius took a step back, then clenched his jaw and dealt a sharp blow, slapping David hard enough across his cheek to throw him across the room. He collided with a bookcase, the novels tumbling over his head. "That's enough, David. Get a hold of yourself!"

            "You stupid old fool . . ."

            Marius approached his friend, grasping him by his pale shirt and hoisting him up to his own eye level. "David, think about what you say."

            David blinked, his eyes glazed, and then he seemed to break the spell. "Oh… oh…"

            Marius settled his friend into a chair, taking a nearby armchair for himself. David held his head in his hands, sobbing. The ring fell to the floor with a dull thunk, but was quickly retrieved by its sobbing master.


	3. David's Birthday Celebration

Chapter II: David's Birthday Celebration  
* * *  
In the many years Armand had spent in the Shire with his dear Uncle David, he had never seen such a large celebration. Indeed, it seemed that every hobbit within the Shire had shown up for his Uncle David's birthday party. The night was clear and the moon shone down with a brilliant glow, the torches blazed brilliantly while the fiddlers played a dizzying melody. Eventually he spotted his gardener, Danwise, at the dinner table, a large mug of ale in one hand as he sang gleefully along with the wail of the strings and horns. Armand smiled to himself, and began weaving through the crowds in the direction of his friend. Just as he had reached halfway, someone grabbed his upper arm, causing him to jump. He spun to be greeted by David's smiling face. The older hobbit's eyes sparkled with excitement and his cheeks glowed with the afterglow of ale. To the untrained eye, he might have seemed very happy, but Armand could spy some disappointment beneath his fair gaze.  
  
"Quite a party, eh my boy?" David clapped Armand on the shoulder, pulling the auburn-haired hobbit out of his reverie. David pointed to the side of the band, "You see over there? Marius is poking about with something up his sleeve. He won't tell me what he's planning, but I'm dying to know! Why don't you sneak over there and see what he's planning?"  
  
Armand eyed is uncle, confused by his strange phrases and words. Then it occurred to him - David was very drunk. Indeed, the Brandybucks had provided their stellar vintage, and considering how much David had paid . . . well, it was obvious that the drink was quite potent. Armand shook his head, "Alright, Uncle. You just stay out of trouble while I'm gone."  
  
"You know me! I'm never in a bind, only surrounded by blinded folk, that's all. Now be a good boy and run along."  
  
Indeed, Armand thought to himself, David enjoyed his drink a little too much.  
  
He was only able to make out the familiar long blond hair and pointed crimson hat of the wizard, but strangely enough as he drew closer to his friend, the hat became less and less discernable in the crowd. Armand paused to allow a group of four hobbits to cross his path, only to find himself caught at the center of a dance. The wine flowed freely, and it seemed that everyone was celebrating Dark Sabbath early in honor of David's birthday. Everywhere there was merriment and mayhem, and despite the fact that he was acquainted with nearly everyone in attendance, Armand was struck by how alone he could feel in such a throng.  
  
Marius meanwhile had prepared quite a show. All manner of foreign displays had been set. Of the wide variety of entertainments he had discovered in his long years, little could compare to the splendor of a fireworks show. But before the spectacle, Marius was dabbling in a bit of creative pleasure. He drew a swath of pale blue across his canvas, mirroring the effect of moonlight upon the hair of a particularly dark- headed hobbit. His subject was a bit troublesome and not particularly beautiful, but he painted on without care. This night, he would indulge in his creative skill without hesitation. If he disliked one portrait, he could always paint another.  
  
In this manner, Armand stumbled across Marius and beheld for the first time the magnificence of such a painting. He stood for a long moment, his eyes traveling across the colors, the lights and darks, the whole of the canvas before, ever so slowly, he turned to the wizard who had wrought such work. "I . . . I never knew you painted, Marius."  
  
The wizard chuckled, dabbing the final touch upon the portrait. With a wave of his hand he dismissed his restless subject who gladly disappeared into the throng of partygoers. "I paint a little, yes." The blond wizard smiled, and then cocked an eyebrow, "But watch this. . ." He pointed off into the shadows, and a loud boom filled the crisp night air. The crowd gasped in delight as a streak of red flew into the sky pitching a whistle through the hills of the Shire. It climbed to an amazing height before bursting into a flower of color. While the fireworks distracted the crowd, Armand noticed two hobbits illuminated by the brightness of the fireworks as they crept away from the shadows where the rocket had emerged. He shook his head and smiled knowingly.  
  
"Excuse me, Marius, but it seems we have a couple of thieves back there." Armand winked to him before trailing the shadowy figures back to the kegs of ale. It was as he expected: Sybelle Tooke carried the large firework beneath her arm while Benji Brandybuck led her away from the crowd. Armand snuck up behind the two as they refilled their goblets.  
  
"What in the world are you two doing?" Armand bellowed from behind. Sybelle let out a shriek, nearly dropping her enormous firecracker to the ground while Benji jumped, spilling ale over his clothes.  
  
"Oh, damn it! Armand! Don't blow our cover, now! We're just havin' a bit of fun, it's not like Marius'll miss it any. He's too busy paintin' his boring portraits to notice a few missing rockets!" Benji said. At the mention of the firework, Sybelle tucked the firecracker further under her arm, her eyes darting back and forth for sight of any pointy red hats that might pop out of the shadows. Armand laughed.  
  
"Do you two ever learn? You're always getting into trouble! I swear one of these days you're going to get caught. You know Marius will find out somehow. He is a wizard after all."  
  
"Yes," Sybelle whispered, "but can you imagine the look on his face when he sees this baby going off?" she giggled. The two ran off to find a safe spot to light the rocket. There would be no stopping them. Armand shook his head and noticed Danny again at the table. He moved carefully around the throng of dancers to reach his companion.  
  
"Danny! Why aren't you out dancing like everyone else?" he ruffled the gardener's hair affectionately.  
  
"Well, hullo, Master Armand! I was wondering when you were going to show your face." He laughed heartily. It seemed David wasn't the only one enjoying his drink this night. "I was just tasting this fine ale Master David's so graciously provided." He took another long swig of his drink before continuing, "Hey Armand! I think they're playin' my song!"  
  
"Danny?" Armand laughed, picking up his own mug, "I never knew you had a song." Armand moved his mug just in time for Danwise's muddy boot to swing past. He looked up slowly, a disbelieving grin spread across his face. Danwise stood above his head, his muddy boots planted firmly on the table, and several other hobbits seated nearby moved their mugs away in annoyance. Danny cupped his hands around his flushed face as he cried out to the crowd.  
  
"Excuse me! Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! I apologize, but I'd like to dedicate this song, to the bestest friend a hobbit can have. I know not many folks know it, but today's not only Master David's birthday, but also Master Armand's birthday as well!" The crowd laughed and applauded giddily, cries and whistles filled Armand's ears as he felt a rosy flush rush up his cheeks. "Well, come on, Master Armand! Give the folks a hullo!" Armand reluctantly climbed on top of the table, nervously shoving his left hand in his back pocket. He waved to the crowd, realizing for the first time that evening just how many hobbits had come to this party. Dancers, drunks, chefs, gardeners, neighbors, children, and even Old Mr. Proudfeets raised their mugs to him; Armand nearly froze in his embarrassment. He was grateful when he saw his Uncle David weaving through the crowd. David clutched a mug in one hand, but somehow managed to climb onto the tabletop to stand beside his favorite nephew without spilling a drop.  
  
"Can you believe it?" David cried. The older hobbit took a long gulp from his mug, as though in preparation, and then he handed the emptied glass to Samwise. His eyes shone with a strange light, and his bottom lip quivered in anxiety. Armand had to wonder why in the world he was so worried. This was certainly not the first birthday David had celebrated, but for some reason this was the drunkest Armand had ever seen his Uncle.  
  
"Well, I must say," David chuckled, his fingers fumbling behind him, "I've certainly known some great hobbits over my many years. I don't know half of you as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as much as you deserve!" Armand had to snicker at that comment; it was good to know that the drink hadn't overly dampened David's wit. The crowd started to applaud, and then stopped suddenly as though they weren't quite sure how to react. It was priceless.  
  
"I'm afraid." David continued, "I'm afraid, it is time. for me to leave." Armand narrowed his eyes and nudged his Uncle in concern. David glanced to his nephew, a painful smile flickering over his face, but he would not explain any further.  
  
"What are you talking about, David?" Armand whispered. Still David didn't reply. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, and then continued.  
  
"I'll never forget any of you. you all mean so much to me." Were those tears Armand saw in his eyes? "Thank you.. and good-bye." And without any warning, David was gone. Armand blinked, feeling a trick had been played on him. He reached an uncertain hand out to where his Uncle had just occupied.  
  
"Uncle David?" He felt a brush of wind behind him, sending a chill up his back. The crowd gasped, Danwise stared to where David had been standing, his jaw hanging wide. Armand stared into the questioning eyes of the noisy crowd before him, a flush creeping up into his cheeks again. They would want answers, and David had left him in charge of everything if he had to leave early. Armand had agreed, of course, but he hadn't expected this. He turned to see Danny's bewildered eyes focused on him, and shrugged helplessly.  
  
"Thanks a lot, David." he mumbled under his breath. This was going to be a long night. 


End file.
